I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So much rum. So many feels.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
