..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just high enough for therapy.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
