Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
