Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
