Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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