birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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