I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh god it's open bar.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
