Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
