why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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