I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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