how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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