I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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