She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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