I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
