Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
