That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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