In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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