HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize