We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
