I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
