They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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