i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
