If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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