I hope mine doesn't look like that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
