I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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