New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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