i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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