we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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