Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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