did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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