Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
