i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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