I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
