Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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