New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
