I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
