i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
