I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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