you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!