i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.