you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.