You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.