Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
