the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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