grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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