she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I want a musical about memes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
