i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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