he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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