Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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