I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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