my vag is so smooth its legendary
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
