oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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