I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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