Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
