He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Randomize
