he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
