and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
